The Things Neurodivergent People Are Often Shamed For: How to Unlearn That Shame
- Kaitlyn Boudreault
- Mar 12
- 13 min read
Have you ever been called lazy, rude, or dramatic?
Have you been told you are too sensitive, too intense, too quiet, or too much, or that you need to just “make eye contact,” “stop overthinking,” or “respond normally”?
Perhaps you have felt people looking down upon you if you can’t remember what you were going to say.
Maybe you were criticized for the way you communicate, questioned for needing clear instructions, or laughed at for needing to fidget or move around.
If you are neurodivergent, these experiences are likely all too common. The odds are that you have been shamed simply for being who you are.
While shame is something that we all experience from time to time, shame is different for neurodivergent individuals.
From a young age, as a neurodivergent individual, you are made to believe that your neurological differences are something to be ashamed of in environments that prioritize neuronormativity (societal expectations around what it means to have a “normal” brain).
You are made to feel that these differences need to be fixed, corrected, or shamed.
Over time, as you receive repeated criticism for your neurodivergent identity and the traits that come alongside it, you may internalize these feelings and feel that your natural ways of thinking, communicating, or regulating are wrong.
This internalized shame can start to impact relationships, self-esteem, academic and work performance, and your mental well-being.
But the reality is that these neurodivergent traits that you are shamed for are natural ways of navigating the world and not personal flaws or deficits.
With support from a neurodiversity-affirming therapist in Ontario, Canada, or an international neurodivergent coach, you can learn to shift from a mindset of shame to one of acceptance and compassion.
Blue Sky Learning’s neurodiversity-affirming clinic will help you unlearn shame, reconnect with your strengths, and develop strategies that support your brain rather than forcing it to conform to societal standards.
In this edition of our neurodiversity-affirming therapy and coaching blog, we will explore what shame is and how it develops and shows up, strategies for shifting from shame to self-compassion, and how neurodiversity-affirming therapy and coaching can help.
What Is Shame?
Shame is a complex emotional experience where you feel that something is fundamentally wrong with who you are.
It is attached to your identity and tells you that your needs, feelings, or brain wiring are deficits that need to be fixed or corrected.
While often confused with guilt, shame is much deeper.
Guilt focuses on behaviour. It involves the feeling that you did something wrong. In this case, if you did do something wrong, it motivates you to apologize for or repair what has been broken.
Shame, on the other hand, focuses on your identity and self-concept. It gets you to believe that there is something wrong with you, regardless of whether or not you have actually done anything wrong.
While we all may experience the feeling of shame from time to time, these feelings are more complex for neurodivergent people.
During the Autistic Rights Movement, Kassiane Asasumasu and other autistic rights activists noticed that there were non-autistic individuals whose neurocognition differed from what society considers “normal” neurocognitive functioning.
In 2000, the term “neurodivergent” and its related term “neurodivergence” were coined by Kassiane Asasumasu.
They represent all individuals whose brains differ from the "typical" or majority brain population.
Neurodivergent individuals may include people with:
AuDHD (ADHD and autism)
Anxiety
Sensory processing differences
Other neurological variations
These terms foster inclusion and community among individuals whose brain functioning does not fit typical societal expectations.
While neurodivergence is a natural part of human diversity, many systems, such as schools, workplaces, and social environments, are designed around neurotypical expectations, which can create stress and misunderstanding.
The Cumulative Nature of Shame for Neurodivergent Individuals
As neurodivergent individuals, the shame we often feel doesn’t usually come from a single incident. It is the cumulative effect of navigating a world that works against your brain.
When you are misunderstood and judged for several years, shame builds through repeated experiences such as being:
Being corrected for the way you communicate
Being labelled as too sensitive, rude, quiet, or much
Being criticized for needing space to regulate
Feeling like you are always missing unspoken social rules
Being told “You need to try harder” or asked, “Why can’t you act normally?”
When these messages occur over time, especially during childhood or adolescence, they reinforce the internalized narrative that your natural traits are unacceptable.
This neurodivergent shame runs deep and becomes your internal narrative, telling you, “You’re too much. You’ll never find love. You’re broken.”
How Shame Shows Up for Neurodivergent People
Shame does not always appear as obvious embarrassment. Instead, it often becomes internalized beliefs about identity and worth.
While shame looks different for each neurodivergent individual who experiences it, some common experiences include:
Constantly apologizing for every little thing, even if you didn’t do anything wrong
Shrinking your personality or presence to be liked
Constant thoughts of self-criticism, such as “Why can’t I be normal?” or “Something must be wrong with me.”
People-pleasing or prioritizing others' needs over your own.
Constantly monitoring behaviour to avoid criticism
Second-guessing your tone, word choice, or entire personality
Avoiding environments where you fear being shamed
Feeling small or exposed
Shame can also show up as masking or suppressing neurodivergent traits to fit in socially. Masking can involve:
Forcing eye contact
Hiding stimming behaviours
Rehearsing conversations
Mimicking neurotypical social cues
Over time, hiding your traits in an effort to fit in can also be exhausting and often contributes to burnout and emotional distress.
The Physiological Effects of Shame in the Body
Shame is not just psychological. It can also show up in the body. These physiological symptoms of shame can include:
Pressure or tightening in your chest
A sore stomach
Increased sweating
Heart palpitations
A reflex to run or hide
Scanning the environment to see what you did wrong
After years of being constantly criticized, your nervous system starts to constantly be on high alert.
You might start to become irritable, cry more often, snap at others, shut down, or withdraw from the situation. These are automatic responses to an environment that works against you and becomes too overwhelming to navigate.
Things Neurodivergent People Are Often Shamed For
Neurodivergent people are often shamed for behaviours that fall outside neuronormative expectations.
These traits are frequently labelled as rude, immature, inappropriate, or difficult.
In reality, they are regulation strategies, communication differences, or access needs, not character flaws.
Boundaries and Sensory Safety
Neurodivergent people are often criticized for behaviours such as:
Avoiding eye contact
Declining hugs or physical touch
Needing personal space
Leaving overwhelming environments
These behaviours are frequently interpreted as rude, distant, or disrespectful. However, many neurodivergent individuals regulate their nervous systems better with reduced sensory input and clear physical boundaries.
This reflects self-regulation and consent, not disinterest or disrespect.
Needing Clarity and Reassurance
Many neurodivergent people need reassurance or ask many clarifying questions repeatedly, such as
“What exactly do you mean?”
“Can you clarify that?”
“Why are we doing it this way?”
These behaviours are sometimes criticized as insecure, argumentative, or overly anxious.
In reality, this is a need for predictability and understanding, not insecurity or defiance. Explicit instructions and predictable expectations reduce cognitive load and anxiety.
Stimming involves repetitive physical movements, sounds, or behaviours used to regulate the nervous system when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Some examples of stimming include:
Fidgeting
Rocking
Hand movements
Chewing objects
Tapping or bouncing
While these behaviours are often criticized as something that needs to be corrected or fixed, these behaviours often help neurodivergent individuals:
Release stress
Process sensory input
Regulate emotions
Maintain focus
These behaviours are adaptive coping tools, not habits to eliminate.
Response Timing
Neurodivergent people are often criticized for not responding right away to messages, emails, and conversations.
This is often criticized as laziness, a lack of care, or effort.
But neurodivergent individuals often experience executive dysfunction, which can make responding to communications more difficult than for others.
They may need more processing time or have lower energy limits, which can delay replies.
Not responding in a “timely” manner isn’t because a neurodivergent person doesn’t care or that they just aren’t trying hard enough. There is a delayed response because the brain doesn’t have the capacity at this time to respond.
Need for Predictability
Needing rigid routines or struggling with unclear expectations or sudden changes are often heavily judged. They are seen as childlike, too rigid, or too sensitive.
However, structure and predictability help neurodivergent brains feel safe and organized.
Routine reliance is a form of self-support, not avoidance of change or flexibility.
Communication Differences
Neurodivergent individuals have differences in the brain areas responsible for communication. These neurological differences can result in different communication styles, such as
Speaking directly or literally
Struggling with small talk
These behaviours may be labelled as socially awkward or self-centred, but they often show that neurodivergent individuals communicate enthusiasm and authenticity, just differently.
Why Neurodivergent People Are Often Shamed
Neurodivergent traits are frequently punished or criticized not because they are harmful, but because they challenge narrow ideas or expectations of “normal” or how societal expectations make people think behaviour should look like. This societal judgment is connected to neuronormativity.
Neuronormativity refers to the set of beliefs that are held by society that neurotypical ways of thinking, communicating, and behaving are the “correct” or “normal” standard.
Since neurodivergent individuals navigate the world differently from these standards, neurodivergent differences and ways of being are seen as:
Rude
Immature
Lazy
Unprofessional
Too sensitive or too much
Difficult
Something to fix or punish
The Double Empathy Problem
The double empathy problem refers to the idea that communication differences that occur between autistic and non-autistic people are the result of mutual misunderstandings between both parties.
But within our society, usually only the neurodivergent individual gets blamed when interactions break down.
This blame occurs because neurotypical communication styles are seen as superior and the default that everyone should strive for.
Instead of society trying to understand that neurodivergent people communicate differently and that they may be misunderstanding us, we are often labelled as the ones who are being complicated or rude.
When we are constantly blamed for how we communicate, this reinforces internalized shame.
Cultural Expectations and Conformity
There are cultural expectations within society that want people to conform to hustle culture.
We are made to believe that we should push harder, be more productive, multitask, communicate constantly, and exercise emotional regulation to maintain professionalism.
But these expectations often don’t align with the neurodivergent mind. However, when neurodivergent individuals struggle within these systems, these challenges are often seen as a personal failure rather than a system failure and a mismatch between environments and neurological differences.
As neurodivergent individuals continue to receive the message that they just need to try harder to fit in, it can make the feelings of shame far worse.
Neurodiversity-Affirming Strategies for Shifting From Shame to Self-Compassion
You have spent years being made to feel as if your way of navigating the world is wrong, so it is important to understand that shifting from shame to self-compassion is not going to happen overnight.
Unlearning neurodivergent shame and beginning to accept yourself again is a gradual process.
Here’s how to integrate some neurodiversity-affirming approaches into your life to support this shift.
1. Reframe Traits and Support Requests as Needs, Not Failures, Special Treatment, or Burdens
Society often has you believe that your neurodivergent traits are shortcomings or personal failures. But this does not mean that you have to believe it.
Shifting this belief can be complicated, so start small. Practice viewing one of your neurodivergent differences, such as your unique communication style, as a need and accommodation, not a want or personal preference.
Instead of thinking, “I’m being too sensitive, and I should just make eye contact,” try reframing it as, “My brain communicates differently, so I need to look away to regulate my nervous system.”
This shift helps reduce self-blame and validates your experience as legitimate rather than wrong.
Once you have more compassion for one trait, you can apply this to sensory input, focus, emotional responses, and energy patterns, and begin seeing all traits as needs rather than flaws.
2. Learn About Neurodivergence
Oftentimes, when people view their way of navigating the world as wrong, it is because there is a lack of understanding of what neurodivergence truly means.
Society often tells us that neurodivergence is a negative thing. But this simply isn’t true.
Understanding your neurodivergent profile and how it shapes your behaviour can also be transformative, because you are shifting the narrative that society has taught you.
Instead of thinking. “I’m just lazy or not trying hard enough,” you may say, “I have ADHD and experience executive dysfunction, which makes tasks more complicated for me than for others.”
Education on your neurodivergence reduces self-criticism by revealing that many of your experiences are related to natural brain differences, are shared by others, and are valid variations of human functioning.
Reading about different neurodivergent experiences, attending webinars, or joining support groups can normalize your traits and provide insight into strategies that others use successfully.
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Boundaries are essential limits that are put in place to define what you will and will not tolerate. They protect your nervous system and your mental well-being.
Sometimes, society tries to convince neurodivergent people to just ignore their boundaries. It often tries to convince us that our needs don’t matter because they are too complex for neurotypical standards.
However, I encourage you to listen to your body and your needs. If you need to decline
overwhelming social events, request written instructions at work or school, ask for extra processing time, or limit sensory input in crowded or loud environments, these are valid.
Setting these boundaries does not make you difficult. It communicates your needs as a neurodivergent individual and protects your energy.
If it is too difficult to set a bunch of boundaries at once, start by practicing asserting boundaries in small, manageable ways and celebrate when you do.
4. Connect With Neurodivergent Community
Shame can feel isolating. It can prevent you from reaching out for support or connecting with the community.
If you are feeling this way, know that you are not alone.
One of the most beneficial ways to reduce the feelings of shame is to be part of a community that understands you and what you are going through. Being part of a community that understands neurodivergence can provide validation, practical strategies, and a sense of belonging.
These shared experiences, through online forums, local support groups, or peer mentorship, can help you see that your ways of thinking, communicating, and processing are not wrong. They are simply different.
Feeling seen and understood can replace internalized shame with confidence and self-acceptance.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
It seems obvious that if you want to shift from shame to self-compassion, practicing self-compassion would be a step toward that.
But you might be wondering what practicing self-compassion means.
Self-compassion is a concept that was coined by Dr. Kristin Neff that involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend.
It involves three core elements.
Self-kindness: Being kind to yourself as you would a loved one
Common humanity: Recognizing that your struggles are human and that others are struggling in the same way
Mindfulness: Being mindful of your thoughts while also not judging them or allowing them to consume you
In the case of shifting neurodivergent shame to self-compassion, self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would a friend.
Engaging in self-compassion means:
Acknowledging the effort you put into navigating a world that isn’t designed for your brain
Recognizing your strengths
Understanding the barriers you face
Giving yourself permission to rest or make mistakes.
Simple exercises like saying “It’s okay that I need this” or journaling affirmations about your capabilities can strengthen self-compassion over time.
6. Reflective Journaling
Reflective journaling is the structured process of analyzing your experiences and reflecting on them. It can make you more aware of your needs and can foster growth and critical thinking.
Writing about times you’ve been criticized or felt shame can help you identify patterns and reframe experiences.
Ask yourself: What was my behaviour really reflecting? Did it help me regulate, communicate, or maintain safety?
Journaling in this way helps you separate your traits from the negative messages you’ve internalized.
7. Affirm Your Strengths
In a society that constantly reminds you of your weaknesses or the neurodivergent traits that they consider flaws, keeping a visible list of your strengths can help to counteract this. These strengths could include attention to detail, creativity, or problem-solving.
Reviewing this list daily reminds you that your neurodivergent traits are assets, not deficits, and helps counteract shame messages from the past.
8. Start Small
Trying to shift to an accepting lens overnight may backfire. Instead, try to test small changes in your level of acceptance for yourself and unlearning of the same.
This may look like setting a boundary, asking for clarity, or sharing communication preferences with those you feel will understand neurodivergent differences.
These experiments should provide confidence that your needs are reasonable and that self-advocacy can reduce shame.
9. Spoon Theory
Spoon theory is a practical way to understand and manage your energy as a neurodivergent individual. It encourages awareness of how much mental, emotional, and physical energy you have available for daily tasks.
Visualizing your energy as a limited number of spoons can help you prioritize what truly matters and recognize when you need rest or support.
Ask yourself: Which activities will use my spoons today? Are there tasks I can delegate, delay, or adjust to conserve energy?
Using spoon theory regularly helps you respect your limits, reduce feelings of overwhelm, and challenge internalized shame about needing accommodations or downtime.
10. Habit Stacking
Habit stacking is a strategy for building new routines by linking them to habits you already perform consistently. It makes forming supportive behaviours easier and more automatic.
For example, if you already brush your teeth every morning, you could stack a small mindfulness practice immediately afterward or take a moment to plan your day.
Ask yourself: Which existing habits can I pair with a new supportive behaviour? How small can the new habit be to make it sustainable?
Habit stacking can help neurodivergent individuals create structure, support executive functioning, and foster self-compassion by celebrating small, consistent actions.
How Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy and Coaching Can Help
Neurodiversity-affirming therapy and coaching focus on supporting individuals without trying to “fix” neurodivergence. Rather than imposing neurotypical standards, these approaches help you understand your brain, embrace your identity, and develop strategies that fit your needs and values.
These approaches emphasize:
Understanding neurological differences: Learn how your brain processes information, regulates emotions, and interacts with the world.
Building self-acceptance: Explore internalized shame patterns and cultivate compassion toward yourself.
Developing sustainable strategies: Create systems for executive functioning, communication, and self-regulation that reduce stress.
Creating supportive environments: Identify and implement changes at home, work, or school that allow you to thrive without masking or overcompensating.
Therapy and coaching can help individuals:
Process experiences of stigma or criticism in a safe and validating space.
Recognize and disrupt internalized shame patterns.
Develop executive functioning supports like organization, prioritization, and time management.
Improve communication, boundaries, and self-advocacy skills.
Build confidence by recognizing and leveraging neurodivergent strengths.
At Blue Sky Learning, our therapists in Ontario and neurodivergent coaches worldwide work collaboratively with you to create strategies that align with your brain, goals, and values.
Through a combination of guidance, reflective exercises, and skill-building, you gain practical tools and emotional support to thrive authentically.
Book a Free Consultation With Blue Sky Learning
Are you currently feeling the weight of neuronormativity and internalized shame?
Do you want to discover ways to shift from shame to self-acceptance and compassion?
If you’re ready to explore strategies for unlearning shame, building self-compassion, and supporting your brain’s needs, book a free 20-minute consultation with a neurodiversity-affirming coach or therapist on the Blue Sky Learning team.
Email us at hello@blueskylearning.ca or schedule your consultation through our website using the link below.
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